"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork."
"I'm sorry, what was that last one??"
"Don't eat pork. God has spoken."
"Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler

"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself." --Judy Tenuta

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." --Steven Wright

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale! Last Week!' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." --Yakov Smirnoff

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." --Bill Maher

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away." --Billiam Coronell

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' " --Larry Miller

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" --John Mendoza

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " --Bruce Baum

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Johnathan Katz

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni